"YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!"

call me gay for thinking about this every time i think about alcoholism..  this scene plays over and over in my head..  but it has for years before i ever started drinking.. the place you don't want to be.. that bad dream inside of a good dream.. that force that draws you close for a moment and you know you shouldn't fuck with it.. and yet you do.
i did the same thing as a child..  i remember the japanese hornets trying to make a nest in the back yard one year under the porch..  i took the pool net and caught them.. and put them in jars..  these huge red bastard hornets that would hurt more than anything i had ever been stung by in my entire life, i caught them..  jarring them as if superior to their horrible sting..  but i was never stung..  maybe if i had i would have left them alone. 

 it's shit like this that makes me feel invisible..  the times i was able to get out of ridiculous circumstances..  getting unstuck from a muddy creek 5 miles from nowhere when i was 13.. riding atop an Explorer doing 75mph, sitting on my knees, holding nothing but the luggage rack...  being so deathly alone that i stood almost at the top of a third floor balcony handrail and wished for it all to end.. and yet, i am still here...

i think it's much too easy for people to say that it's because i wasn't meant to die...  or in light of my current dilemma, that i was meant to be here for a purpose.. 

but being sober, being in "recovery", meant i had to go to meetings, see a therapist.. (and thank god, she has not become 'the rapist')..  a week ago i went to a fucking psychiatrist.  meeting, coupled with finding a sponsor (aka. some guy you don't know to help you deal with what he's gone through)  notice the wording there..  help You though what He's gone though..  but that dude spent a year in prison, smoked crack, snorted pills and probably fucked his semi-hot daughter when she was twelve (and not chunky).
my plight seems to become more about this mess called sobriety fucking me up than drinking ever could..

to be honest though..  drinking reverts me.. it takes me back to that place that i want to be..  even now i am just happy as a...  as a..  ............ i'm not happy.. where the fuck was that going?

it does revert me to a happier time.. before the night is over i'll hit youtube for dctalk vidoes..  the shrink last week tried to tell me i always had social anxiety.. but from 92-95 i never saw it.. so what did i have then that i don't know...  oh wait?  was it jesus?  was it his infinite wisdom and grace that pushed me?  a hardcore believer.. to denying it all..  just because oh one aspect in life that i couldn't control..  that forced me to change.. that made me push myself outside of it all..  and somewhere i guess i when outside the boundaries.. 

i would like to say to it all "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!"..  but it does..  it all does..  and it binds me and chains me to the ground...  it takes what i am now and shoves it in my face of who i could be... it pushes my face in the mud and reminds me of what i said i never would be,..