yours, mine and the truth...
but how does one distinguish between the three?? i guess that is ruse of life...
currently the story of my life is what i am told i am, what i feel i am, and what everyone else thinks.. life was so much easier when i was just a drunk bastard that just stayed in his room, did his chores, excelled in his job, and made sure that his family was taken care of...
now that the label of alcoholic is tattooed across my head for all to see... well.. let's think about that for a moment.. wasn't that label attached before i ever became aware it was there? so now, in the light of the last 6 months, maybe it is more apparent to me that the errs of my ways in the past have been seen by all of those around me.? lately it's seemed like everything is focused on my drinking.. well to some.. those that still think that the drinking is my underlying problem.. but i can't write, i can't draw.. i can't free my mind (insert en vogue video here).. and even though that was a joke, that video meant a lot to be as i was freeing myself from the commonplace racism that was western lincoln county north carolina..
the songs and music i embraced as i saw the light... the feeling i felt.. the feeling as i learned.. the greater feeling as i expressed it to another person.. but now that starts to sound like the AA shit...
well not entirely... sometimes the AA shit sounds like the way i used to feel way back in the day.. back when i had faith.. back when i felt more alive than ever.. back when i listened, learned.. read and wrote.. it was never pride that failed me... not in the beginning.. i was fearless... utterly fearless...
now i need a drink to just express the slightest thoughts that are close to my heart..
matching old thinking with new is turning out to be a bitch... the sad thing is that i know there is something there.. inside of all this insanity.. a steampunk version of me... buried deep inside myself...
this was track from an album that made a very big impact on me.. this song was included in the last concert that PHD ever did..
it was me... losing my sight.. my innocence.. the pride of being a youth pastor with ideals well beyond the realm of thought for a backwoods baptist church... maybe i grew too fast...
regardless of how i bash the church or christians as a whole.. i know that i was one.. whole and strong... and i stood as an outcast, but proud, and i was respected.. but i can never be there again... i am torn and tattered.. i have raged war on god and now i pay the price with my disease...
i have thought about what it would mean if i just took the mantle back and stood.. but even in a drunken state i have never thought of myself as a larger-than-life asshole.. i picture myself trying to hold that sword, that flag, that brand of faith.. and falling hard.. failing Him and myself..
there are times like this that i feel like the prodigal.. but even in that i don't want to put myself in that place.. i am the lowest of low... i bite at the heels of those above me.. i find folly in those "new-christians"... or worse yet.. those that have no fucking clue but "believe in god".. i watch movies like "constantine" and understand his plight...
deep down i know what to do, what to say.. but i am scared shitless to even say it..
so where is it that i have to drink to be able to express this to yourself?
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