today 3 of my closest friends... no, let me back up. if i am being brutally honest.. who are my closest friends?
i restart.. my old assistant that is like a brother to me, my old boss that i feel helpless at many times to progress her efforts towards the company.. and a kindred that is just a sick bastard wrapped in shiny bubble-wrap to the rest of the world.. but needless to say three people that i have come to know and know me.. people that i have spoken candidly to and have spoken the same to me... and that's rare for me in any aspect.. especially given the understanding of the walls that i put up towards anyone close.. but these three were gathered today on a quest via work.. i cruised down to greet them this morning, but apparently my medicine is still not strong enough to allow me to walk amongst random strangers..
at the end of the day i called one to find out what they were doing (knowing that they are rarely ever in the same place at the same time and what good times we always have when together)... and i was told they were at the local uptown bar.. BRICKWALL! as my friend said "i know you don't drink the alcoholic beverages now".. 'BUT I DO... I CAN... I WILL BE THERE IN A SEC"... screamed my mind.. and my inner self sulked in shame.. shame that i could no longer join them.. an outcast now.. i mean, i could have gone up to the bar and tried to have a coke while they sipped the nectar of comfort.. and what if my constraint failed? and i drank? what would they think of me then? 3 pair of eyes staring me into the floor as i took a long-denied gulp of draft beer.. judging me.. no.. not so much judging and empathizing.. and feeling like failures themselves.. like they lead this on..
but i wanted to be there so bad.. this wasn't the shit i was told in treatment.. it's like being part of the "out" crowd again like i'm in fucking fifth grade... the odd man out..
and now i hide it.. i hide it from amanda (who knows but rarely speaks about it).. i am a lie..
i think that is my main reason for not going to the bar.. yes, i could sit there and drink soda, but it would all be a lie.. as i eyeball every beer being poured..
i must say that my sobriety, as now just stands as the weekdays, is a welcome.. especially without the AA meetings to remind me that i am some invalid that needs a room full of old men to tell me i have issues..
i got enough of that thursday..................................
dad came over thursday.. it's the first time he came over while i was on the meds.. and i was ok.. he brought over homemade ice cream mix to make.. and a dvd of old movies from when i was a child.. birth to 5.. that kind of floored me.. WALLS!... i made myself put up defenses everytime mom was on the screen.. and then the subtle glances of my dad to my mom in a bathing suit.. i felt the sexual attraction that was my dad to my mom.. and i understood it.. mom was fucking hot.. and then the camera would scroll to me playing with a fucking stick or something.. or bud and jeff jumping off a diving board..
but i wanted to be there behind the camera.. i wanted to be seen playing with loki (which is never seen when amanda or anyone else is around).. and i wanted to be the one filming my wife, however briefly...
the fucked up thing is that since coming out of treatment i have been bombarded with feelings and emotions that i have no idea how to deal with sober.. at the current moment i am able to release them while drinking in secret..
