Where Is My Mind?

so i may have fucked myself into a corner last week with working at food lemur and missing my meetings..  but it was nice to change up the pace..  and what of my so-called sponsor?  no call to check on me.  have i fooled him in my understanding of all things alcoholic?  that i understand and thus do not need guidance?
hey!  even retards can tie their shoes..  but that doesn't mean that know which one goes on what foot.
the bombardment of Seaman (say it out loud and insert joke here)..  a million dollar new customer has stressed me to my limit on top of working a second job...  how does this shit come about during the one time in six months i'm asked to work at food emu for inventory??
and the whole week, the beer isle just calling my name.. and yet i resisted..  mainly because i didn't want those around me to see my weakness.  but yet i succumbed on my way home on friday..  i was so depleted mentally and physically that i wanted my mind and my body to just shutdown... or at least focus..
i thought the welbutrin (who knows how to spell it) would have helped in that matter..  but i have yet to see it..
today was the worst..  the barrage of emails that everyone and their dead aunt is copied on..  so the slightest mistake or misinterpretation is scrutized by one and all..  and the primates that are also copied on this email all jumping up and down at the sign of fire and how to put it out...  and all i want to say is "roll around in it, you'll disperse the flames"...  but yet i play the vigilant role of stop to think before reacting..

and deep inside i think to myself,  "i was able to do this when i was drinking daily, so where was the downside to my work production?"  ...the downside is that it was it dragging me down health-wise...  and socially..  and mentally..  i'm sharp as a fucking whip..  (that really doesn't make sense...  who ever heard of someone sharpening their whip?  and how is that achieved?)  but i can't keep mind away from the instant gratification that i have sought for since time immemorial..  well since the time god has granted me the ability to be aware of my actions and their repercussions..

and then there was this email i received from a good friend on friday..  an email that will not leave me alone..  an email that almost haunts me.. the email simply said, (and i'm paraphrasing here), "i don't want to sound silly, but i have been praying to god a lot lately.  i remember the talks we had about it.  i just hope that god can help me and my family."  and that shit scares me back into ever hole i've created over time..  i don't want to hear this shit..  i'm a helper, much less a messenger?   i don't know how to respond... 

ok, maybe i do... but how?  to take back the mantle that i forsook.. as Marilyn Manson once said, "it's a long hard road out of hell"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSOKsBTK7AQ