the counting crows song drifts through the back of my mind. the drawings from the weekend really have to say something. i kept focusing on the tears.. on the avatar of sorts that i have given inphynyty, the long pointed nose turned to a growth of sorts..
to explain, inphynyty was the pen name i concocted the year after high school before i went to ECU.. a journal that i have always titled "the perfect year".. later on inphynyty became myself when i was in my artistic mode.. the quiet and brooding extension of my persona that was the deepest and most genuine part of me.. the guy in the corner just watching as the past, present and future collided. somewhere around 2003 i gave him a face as mom was dying.. a broad black hat to cover his eyes and a long pointed nose.. and a slight smirking sadness to his lips.. when i drew him the first time i wrote "lost amongst a world of merriment". and that is how i have felt for a long time...
last weekend was the first time i have drawn him in quite a while... but this time his head was kneeling.. his pointed nose (an obvious subconscious lean to pinocchio..) and this time i wanted to show the nose as if it were a false appendage.. like an attached part of my face that like a leech had become attached to the face... foreign and not an original part of the whole of inphynyty,, the part that i spent a lot of time on was the tears.. and the blood... i remembered the night i cut myself so badly that i called Jethro to come over because i was scared.. once again a night that i truly came close to ending it all.. but i did not... i never would let myself believe that the end was near.. i just needed someone to tell me it was ok..
i am almost there again.. the awesome fact of alcohol is that i can unleash thoughts and dreams and ideals without any whim of ramification.. i can bare my soul.. if to no one else but myself..
how great would it be to be able to do this sober. but what is this lie that has attached to my face? that has been attached? that only now that i am able to see... looking from the outside in.. drunk looking upon the sober me.. and the cross-scrutinizing that is happening..
the sad thing is that the drunk me is the only one that wants to speak... the sober me hides.. inphynyty hiding behind the hat as my lies protrude and control..
the fucked up thing is whether i could deduce this sober?? i think not.... so wherein lies the happy medium?
society screams that i am ill and diseased... and that there is a way to reach this inner person.. the deep down inphynyty... without chemicals... but how? how can i find a way to be truly honest with myself? by talking to fuck-ups and mental cases that need this coloring-book living where it's all slogans and retarded sayings?
the not-so-fun thing is that i have to face whatever i said tonight... and not to amanda... not to the general public.. but to myself.. i hate this... and thus the tears that inphynyty bleeds that i cannot..........
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