shortly after my last post i decided to get of the meds that i had been given a few months prior... "fuck medication! it's all a ploy." and a ploy turned out to be.. as i came off and the season began to change i wanted to just melt into the ground and no longer be a player.. thoughts of suicide were rampant. i felt like i was at ECU again circa 1996..
a few weeks later i got back on them.. but it only helps so much...
all i have been able to think able lately is either the decisions that got me her or the decisions that will take me into tomorrow..
if it weren't for mom being sick, there is a good chance that amanda would have never been in the picture. and now eight years later... and i'm more sober now than i have been in 12 years.. and i feel nothing but remorse from amanda.. pushing me away like i'm a leper.. and yet, i am doing the same.. i want nothing to do with her and her over-nurturing of loki...
and maybe that's it.. she has what she wanted... and by my going to rehab, it just solidifies me as a broken part of that emasculate plan that she has for her and her offspring.. that child that is going to be force-fed years of guilt because mommy made a decision when she was very young...
and that's why i stay away..
and that's why i need a new beginning.. i have no romantic/sexual feelings for amanda anymore.. and i don't know why.. and i hate it.. because i owe her so much... but then again, i gave her what she always wanted..
so now i have no idea where i stand... in life, in love, in the super-retarded scope of things.. i just want to feel again... i want to care... i want to be horny.. i want to.... be someone else...
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