the awkward balance

since rehab i've never been a full month sober...
there's something about sobriety that just pisses me off. and there's something about being drunk that does the same.  that weird balance.  the things i can do with that and the things i can do without it.. but the feeling of being FREE without... yet the constraints of be within.. but i need the freedom with the chains..

today i was smoking with beth talking about a friend of hers that got out of control while drunk in downtown charlotte.. and i thought back to the last time i was in downtown fucked up... and i acted it out, very animated.  and she laughed, as i am sure she would have in that moment.  but i was sober, and for two seconds, i was me being drunk sober...   that almost hurts my head now..

then tonight i was watching a movie about "ttat-guy" actors..  those people that you always see in movies and never know their names..  that just caught up to me wanting to do stand-up..  but i remember  how i was in the old vidoes for class..  in a character.. i was someone else..  pretending..  far from my self. 

there is... me..  that is torn between two worlds..
maybe even three...
i rarely think of myself as a dad..  but i am..  and i need to be...  just to alleviate him from mom.. like today as he ran through the rain and thunder without fear..  

but i cannot be myself in the reality of today..  and in the drunken stupor of friday, i am free to whatever..  how to balance that?   nothing i have read makes sense to this...  i feel like i am back in baltimore again..  trying to understand something that will never be seen for many year...

thank you tori for coming on right now.. you played pawn, rook and queen in that whole battle..

i want to break free.........................